Training isn’t for everyone. It is hard, it requires time sacrifices, and most of all: it hurts! If you want to look good at your local 10km, training and being fast isn’t always the best way. This article has some tips on how to look like a pro without having to do any proper work.
1. Have a team bus
Yeah, sure it’s just you racing, but that is no reason not to have a bus. In fact, best make sure it is the biggest bus that money can buy. The sort of bus that is often used by a rock band or an ice hockey team. It is important to make sure you park the bus as close to the start line as possible, and only exit the bus when the smoke machine has been on for at least an hour and “Eye of the Tiger” has started.
2. Bring a sprinter’s starting block
Sure, all the amateurs around you will be rolling their eyes as you assemble your sprinter’s starting block. But that is the exact attitude that makes them amateurs. You’re a professional and you know that every millisecond counts as you will no doubt have to point out to the amateur losers around you.
3. Wear Kenyan or Ethiopian team kits
Remember to make sure you don’t just wear the singlet and shorts and that you go to the effort to wear the full tracksuit. Then, as you start to perform your extended warm-up, you can begin to remove items of your team kit, making sure that you have “staff” around to return the tracksuit to the tour bus.
4. Bring a masseur
As a professional, races are important to you and you need to be relaxed before the starting gun fires. Having a full time masseur (or two) with you at the start line helps immensely in “keeping you in the zone”. But lets face it, sometimes a massage before the race simply isn’t enough. The best idea is to make sure that your “masseur team” is fast enough to run beside you and continue the massage for at least the first 2km of the race. After all, you’re a pro…
5. Mark out your own VIP area in each drinks table
Get your staff to arrive at the race early and mark out an area of each drinks table (half to two thirds should do) to be used exclusively by you. Any plastic cups that happen to be on “your side” should be immediately swept to the floor and replaced with Kenyan team branded drink bottles containing your secret drink solution (which is actually just water – but that’s not the point!). Any runner who strays onto your “half” of the drinks table should be punished with immediate race disqualification, and should also have the drink that they just stole (yes, stole) dashed to the ground.
6. Refuse to have your photo taken
When you’re a professional athlete with a tour bus, massage team and marketing agent, you can’t let people photograph you willy nilly. You’ve painstakingly built up your global profile with brutal race wins, benevolent spirit and boyish good looks; you don’t want this ruined by some prole with a camera taking a photo of you running that makes you look like a pregnant porpoise with gout. But how do you stop random people taking photos at your local 10km? With an army of over-the-top, overly-aggressive, ex-SAS security staff, that’s how… Asking someone to not take your photo is simply going to have the opposite effect. A better 1st step is to have your staff dash the camera on the ground and kick it to pieces before the person has had a chance to take the photo, or in fact even turn the camera on. Better safe than sorry…
7. Do all 6… And more… Become a triathlete
If running is too down-to-earth and straightforward for you, and you really want to indulge in some proper “cheque book” race day improvements, then triathlon is the sport for you!
You can start by getting the latest Tri Suit, which, if you pay enough , will service as both a Romulan Cloaking Device and allow you to teleport through a wormhole in the first transition stage; leaving you with only 70km left to cycle. Which will be an absolute breeze with the bike that you are going to buy… Oh yes, not content with dropping a mere ten grand on the latest Cervelo time trial bike, you have decided that the best way to get that “edge” is to requisition the entire Cervelo factory for 6 months. You will poach Nasa’s top aerospace engineer and you will have it made out of unobtainium*, which is the substance that they were mining on the planet with all the creatures with the blue faces in Avatar. Sure, unobtainium is rare, and it will be hard to get enough to make a full bike frame…But the extinction of an entire population of blue-faced, indigenous,3D natives is a small price to pay for those extra milliseconds. And it is still easier than training…
* When I was watching Avatar in the cinema and they dropped the line “…we are mining unobtainium” I did yell out “what the hell!” and dash my 3D glasses on the ground in disgust. Seriously, do they edit scripts?